mask
cw: mental health (masking, perfectionism, self-destructive overexertion, self-erasure)
i guard myself against curiosity: for me, a performance. i was an actor in a lifetime before this, winning awards for being somebody not myself.
but i have always been guarded, turned inward to face myself. all others fading away in the shadowy wings of this stage, the spotlight on me feels inescapable.
i alone sit in the audience, impossible to please. i should dance until my legs and feet bleed, i thought, if that is what it takes to imitate life.
then i closed my windows and doors to the flashing cameras. if that was life, let it pass me by, i thought, let me disappear from the photographs.
i have no glamour left in me to pretend.